my phone needs a breathalizer
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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