if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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