So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
