I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
