when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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