I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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