Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
