Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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