i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
