ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Hippo gnu deer
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
