I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
