when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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