Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize