get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
my sisters under your porch take her home
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
