just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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