I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
