He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize