This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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