the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
