it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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