so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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