yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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