Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
