my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
