My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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