Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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