my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
