evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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