mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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