last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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