At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
