when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
