found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
this just has baby written all over it
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
