Apparently you make a good broom.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
