His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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