I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
