Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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