if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
