im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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