I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
