I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
my being single is dangerous.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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