Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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