Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
