this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
