So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
