Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
