I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
