My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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