the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
