i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
