also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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