I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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