she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
