Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
