My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
