This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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