I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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