Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize