She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
